Loneliness versus solitude

“I’ve never felt so lonely in my life till I came to Japan,” said J. my newfound friend from Singapore. “But it’s such a refreshing feeling.” He used to be surrounded by pals back home, leading the yuppy life. Even on SGD2000 he could afford to have nice dinners and drinks at Zouk Wine Bar regularly. He left all that and feels he’s become a better man.

Leaving home has been a dream for me for a long time. Perhaps you could liken it to one of those peeps who come from small towns that want to come out of the fish bowl and into the ocean.

While I swam away eagerly, this loneliness is so overwhelming I’m not sure how to contain it. Back home, I lived away from the foggies and with flat mates – our paths barely crossed except for rent and busted light bulbs – and I loved the solitude. After a hard day’s work at the office, it was a relief to retreat into my cave. There were times that I also felt lonely but it was slightly different. I could deal with it. I was lonely for Mr. D, lonely for a good chat with a best bud, and lonely for affection. There were times I felt lost in a heaving crowd or MRT or a bustling supermarket but at the end of the day, I could sleep in peace and wake up feeling rested.

Here, I feel uneasy every moment of the day. Grammar in class is getting more difficult and there are lots to memorise. When I speak to a Japanese person outside when I’m buying things, I forget all that I’ve learned in class. I don’t think I spend my days as productively as I can because I want to log on and talk to my friends from Singapore who tickle my funny bone and bring comfort to me in this strange city thousands of miles away from their smiles and hugs. But that’s not the way to go either. I need to focus on what I need to do. How can I move forward if I keep clinging to those at home? I’ve got a little over 2,000 yen (SGD25) in my pocket and it makes me feel insecure. Mr. D is away in India now. I know I can dip into my emergency stash but I don’t want to be frivolous about cash. I check my Singapore mobile now and again to see if anyone has SMSed me. But of course nobody ever does – I do it out of habit.

I have made a few friends here and still getting referrals from friends to meet their friends. So far, I think I’m doing okay in that department because it takes time to develop friendships but of course nothing beats familiarity of old friends. With new people, you’re always trying to put your best face forward and search for the right things to say. I’m not complaining that life sucks here but it’s this unsettled feeling that is quite a shock to the system.

The hollowness in my soul right now doesn’t seem to have a bottom to it. When I breathe in the chilly air, it cuts through the emptiness with a wistful knife. I wish the wind would sweep away these feelings of loneliness. I read somewhere that one of our greatest fears is being alone. I used to think I was comfortable with solitude and am adept at nursing bouts of loneliness but I don’t really know how to cure myself these days. I cook spaghetti bolognaise because it’s my ultimate comfort food. I can’t have mee pok here obviously but that will do. Another embarrassing confession: I watch an episode of Sex & the City before bed because Japanese TV still makes the home feel foreign (though I am delighting in some programmes where I pick out words I’ve learned in school). I make iced tea with apple juice even though it’s freezing. I chuck down a glass of warm water after that to quell the shivers. I still keep up with a few blogs from Singapore out of habit even though sometimes I do get bored of them. I wear my favourite perfume everyday – Anna Sui by Anna Sui – but I’m a little sad to hear they’ve stopped production of this (hopefully my huge bottle will last at least two years).

Stealing an idea from The Shield, a TV cops and drama series, criminals who tend to be loners need a fixed routine in order to feel a sense of comfort. If you don’t have friends, the stability and consistency of a routine takes away the loneliness. Old people generally have that too. I always wondered why would anyone want to do the same thing over and over everyday? In Singapore I would shake up the mix. I shifted my running times, meal times, things I ate, things I bought…I was always experimenting but I’ve to admit the spaghetti bolognaise never changed :p

I hope I will find my loneliness and solitude refreshing one day.